Hazel's Birth Story Part 2

Moving Forward

With the help of our doctor we decided to wait and see if I was able to deliver normally. We both remembered the blessing Rory had given me the night before and it gave us such a sense of peace. At this point they got everything ready for an emergency c-section just in case. Everyone including Rory was in scrubs and cap, I was prepped and everyone held their breath. With each contraction we would all watch the computer screen and pray that her heart rate would come up after the contraction. Her heart rate was supposed to be around 140 and it would drop to the 80’s. Each time we heard her little heart slow down I felt such a pain for all she was going through. Thankfully she managed to recover from an onslaught of strong every 2 min contractions for over 5 hours. As this was going on Karen would try to move the cord – a painful process that didn’t work each time she tried. We kept our fingers crossed and hoped things would work out. But then everything changed.

Panic

The baby’s heart rate dropped down into the 60s and didn’t come up….we all waited and waited for what felt like an eternity. Then I heard the doctor yell “it’s go time”.  I had a nurse jump up on the hospital bed, straddle me and reach up trying to help keep the babies head from putting pressure on the cord.  You can imagine the logistics of this process. So there I was being raced through the halls (on complete display might I add) while they raced me towards the operating room. Normally they would move a patient to a gurney for this transfer. But they didn’t have time, so I was raced through the halls in the large and clunky hospital bed. Banging walls all the way there. At one point the IV cords coming out of my hand were snagged on something and painfully almost ripped out. We entered the bright operating room and there were about 20 people who where all shouting back and forth. The panic struck me deeply. I suddenly realized how scary this really was.  It was no longer a sure thing that my baby and I were going to be ok. My eyes met Rory’s and although he was trying to convey assurance we both were scared. A million thoughts went between us in that one second and that one look. The look that only a married couple who have spent countless nights sharing every secret can have. They moved me to the operating table; this is a frustrating process as you try to help them with your epidural numb legs and huge swollen pregnant body. After they moved me the nurse resumed her attempt to help the baby. The doctors asked her if she could find a heart beat and she paused while trying to find it. It took a minute but she finally found a weak heartbeat. The anesthesiologist (who will always be a man I love) then came into my view. I asked him if I had to be knocked out? This was a great fear of mine. I just didn’t want to fade to black with no knowledge of how my baby was doing. Luckily he was able to crank up the epidural so I remained awake. He later told me that if a regular delivery epidural was a 2 on a scale of 1 to 10, and a planned c-section epidural was a 4, an emergency c-section epidural was a 10. This was because they didn’t have time to do the pin prick “now can you feel this” testing. This extreme numbing seemed to creep up to my throat in a suffocating way. I could only take very shallow short breaths that barely filled my lungs. They gave me an oxygen mask but (in my mind) this just seemed to exacerbate the problem, making me feel more suffocated.  I felt like someone was sitting on my chest. I started to panic: Panic that I couldn’t breathe, panic with the fear that the baby wouldn’t make it or she would be somehow damaged in the process, panic that I wouldn’t see my sweet boys again, panic as I thought of them growing up without a mom. I thought of my friend Catie Stubben and her three sweet children growing up without her. I yelled out with tears running down the sides of my face and into my ears. “I want my mom” and I did, I wanted to be a child again myself. A child safe and cared for in her mother’s arms. And then Rory was there, right by my face and I felt better. I hadn’t realized that the panic was making me hyperventilate and Rory was able to calm me down and steady my still shallow breathing.